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【Love is Heart & Soul】
What we truly hope for in our own end-of-life planning: to devote the precious remaining time engaging in positive actions that will make our last moments in life as fulfilling as they can be. That is, expressing our deepest gratitude to our loved ones; spending a meaningful time with those who we care about. It’s about smiling and laughing together. And reminiscing about the past joys together. Sometimes, it’s about navigating through our heartfelt feelings together, often in tears. In so doing, even as our own end-of-life approaches, we’re able to make even more new “Memories with our loved ones.” Moreover, what we truly hope for is to help advance happiness for all, one person at a time. By giving back to this vast world what it gave to us, while we honestly face those who are simply born into hardships through no fault of their own. To do so, we must deeply engage our minds on what we can do, then take action on them, while at the same time communicating with our loved ones on our thoughts/actions. By all means, quietly taking action on our own is fine; infinitely better than no action at all. There’s no doubt about that. In fact, some believe that “Doing good deeds” means to do good for others quietly; almost in secret. Others tend to obsess on this idea of “quietly,” which is considered a virtue, particularly in certain cultures such as in Japan. Furthermore, some may equate “Speaking of our own good deeds” to a “Self-glorification.” Almost like bragging. We can show a certain degree of understanding to such interpretation. Nonetheless, we must not lose sight of the great importance of communicating with as many people as we can on what actions we’ve taken to date, and what actions we’re going to take from now on, all driven by what thoughts. Truth be told, this is critically important in order to help advance happiness for all, across the world. Especially, when we acknowledge our own arrogance in just doing things solo, shunning a team effort. Particularly, when we admit the limitations to actions taken alone without the collaborative spirit. And above all, when we honestly face the terrible truth that an overwhelming number of us in this world are in real need of help, even right at this moment. Then, we come to realize the great importance in encouraging as many people to join this effort to help advance happiness for all. We can’t do it alone because we’re all in it together. 8 billion of us humans, plus all other living beings. Despite some may choose to believe we’re bragging; even if others may be put off by hearing what they didn’t want to hear. In spite of realizing all that, it’s more important to communicate as best we can, to encourage others to join in on this meaningful effort, than staying quiet in secret. What’s more, it also serves to make known that these efforts are ordinary actions taken by ordinary people within our reach; not some kind of an extraordinary action only undertaken by a select few living afar. As we prepare for our final moments in life, we must try our best to relinquish the fixation reserved only for our own. We must try our best to extend the same “Kindness for our family” to others in real need of help as well. In our end-of-life planning, what’s of utmost importance is to take action that connects us heart-to-heart and soul-to-soul, with our loved ones, and with everyone in the world. Read Previous: End-of-Life Planning (2)【Love Ain’t Money】 Complete Series: End-of-Life Planning (1)～(3) [1] [2] [3] Read Theme: Family 【Love Ain’t Money】
Truth be told, whether we’re left with inheritance or not, it really has nothing to do with love and happiness. Simply put, it’s because love isn’t money. “But what about falling seriously ill, or getting in a devastating accident? We just don’t know what life may bring, so extra money won’t hurt.” We certainly don’t deny that such argument is born out of kindness for our family. Yet, it’s as if to make a case for inheritance like selling an insurance. All the while in this world today, roughly 6.5 billion of us comprising 80% of the population get by with under $600/month. What’s more, 700 million of us barely survive with under $65/month. That’s exactly what we worry about for our family after we pass away. Naturally, we want to do everything we can for our loved ones to avoid falling into a situation as such. The terrible truth is that such situation is already falling upon an overwhelming number of us in this world, even right at this moment. And so many of them have fallen into the situation at no fault of their own; in most cases simply born into it. We live in a world dominated by the mainstream that embraces the value of kindness for our family, yet willfully neglects to do likewise for others in real need of help. “Family is the most important” is our virtue. “Family is everything” is our belief. “We’re just protecting our family” is our proud sense of responsibility. We trust it’s good; it’s the right thing to do. Yet, we can’t help but make a regrettable observation that this sense of “good” and “right” from time to time, morphs into a twisted logic of “Therefore, it’s inevitable we cut others off.” And along this trajectory lies our proud sense of responsibility in “We’re just protecting our country” that, from time to time, morphs into a twisted logic of “Therefore, it’s inevitable we cut off the people of other countries.” In the name of national interest/security, this brings out violence and war. At the root of it all is favoring only our family, across generations, in the name of “love.” Even after we leave this world, is our fixation to a Selfish Love so important to us? Is it so important in our end-of-life planning to reserve our love only for our own family with little regard to others? Without honestly facing those who are simply born into hardships through no fault of their own? Read Next: End-of-Life Planning (3)【Love is Heart & Soul】 Read Previous: End-of-Life Planning (1)【Love Ain’t a Thing】 Complete Series: End-of-Life Planning (1)～(3) [1] [2] [3] Read Theme: Family 【Love Ain’t a Thing】
It’s the preparation for when we pass away. It’s the process of making decisions about our own final moments in life. It’s called End-of-Life Planning. This may include important decisions about our own healthcare; or preference on funeral. This may mean getting our possessions in order; or creating a will to specify who receives our property after we pass away. For most people, it’s about sorting out everything that we’ve accumulated over many decades--like taking an inventory of one’s whole life. To relieve our family of an administrative nightmare after we die, the more thoughtful/caring a person we are, we perhaps tend to spend more time/effort on this task. Yet, at the same time, we can’t help but feel a little blue to be spending our precious remaining time on this rather mundane task. Because it means, for the most part, sorting through our amassed belongings and piled-up paperwork. It almost feels as if we’re wasting our precious last moments in life, alone at our desk, going through boxes of stuff. In all fairness, getting our possessions in order will surely be appreciated by our loved ones, for it means that burden won’t be dumped on them after we pass away. That alone should be a good enough reason to tackle this task, even as our own end-of-life approaches. Nonetheless, it’s important that we do so without losing sight of the fact that our belongings/paperwork isn’t love. No, it ain’t love. Bluntly put, they’re merely things. To be fair, we all admit there are things that are full of “Memories with our loved ones.” For example, that favorite outfit they often wore, or that handy tool they cherished for years. By all means, the photos taken together could very well embody the heartful memories. Sure, they may be things alright, but they’re irreplaceable things. Despite having said that, we also know that there’s no such thing, not even an irreplaceable thing, that’s more precious than the memories themselves. And what’s more, wealth/money isn’t love, either. No, it ain’t love. To be sure, passing wealth/money down the family line has been the mainstream practice beyond generations, across time, and throughout the world. Some people may say that, “Leaving the life savings to our own children is a virtuous act,” while others even go as far as to say that, “Inheritance is love.” But truth be told, whether we’re left with inheritance or not, it really has nothing to do with love and happiness. Simply put, it’s because love isn’t money. Read Next: End-of-Life Planning (2)【Love Ain’t Money】 Complete Series: End-of-Life Planning (1)～(3) [1] [2] [3] Read Theme: Family 【What are we as Parents?】
“Parents are humans, too. We have our likes/dislikes and the right to say No.” Perhaps, many parents of the world may argue to that effect. Naturally, we all have our likes/dislikes, as well as the right to say No on any given issue. But truth be told, when it’s about whom our grown children choose to marry, the parents’ likes/dislikes have no relevance. Why? Because it’s clearly about our grown children’s marriage, not about the parents’ marriage. Every one of us has the right to choose whom to marry. Nevertheless, if parents so adamantly insist on making unreasonable demands, or worse yet, oppose our grown children’s marriage. Then, just like any other significant decision in life, parents must be prepared to accept the potential grave consequences. Simply put, it’d be too irresponsible as adults, let alone as parents, to do as we please without any intention of accepting the responsibility for our own actions. So, in spite of the parent’s opposition, when our grown children choose to follow their own heart, the younger couple becomes Partners for life. And the fact that the parents objected – that will forever leave behind a scar in the younger couple’s heart as the bitterness that tainted their moment of true happiness. When, as parents, we find ourselves in such circumstance, we must not thoughtlessly assume that the younger couple will someday forgive and forget. That our grown children will eventually learn to play along with us in pretending it never happened. In fact, quite the opposite. Parents must be absolutely ready to accept the potential grave consequences. What’s more, despite the younger couple’s patience and tolerance, if that opposition was a reckless abuse of a parental authority. A vehement opposition awash with prejudice and discrimination. In such case, the younger couple may have no choice but to sever all ties with the abusive parents. And, even when the younger couple is eventually blessed with their own children, the parents will likely miss out on the opportunity to forge a loving relationship with their grandchildren. In all fairness, if we’re willing to accept the responsibility for our own actions as adults, and prepared to accept the responsibility for our freedom to oppose as parents, then no one can stop us. Nonetheless, let us be wise and think this through as loving parents. In most cases, parents will pass away before our children. Accepting that fact, shouldn’t we be truly thankful to our children’s partners who’ll love and support each other even after our passing? Shouldn’t we, in fact, realize how blessed we are to have children who were able to find the love of their life? If we are loving parents, then shouldn’t our children’s happiness bring joy and gratitude to our heart? The two adults, deeply caring for one another, are about to begin their fresh new chapter in life together as a husband and wife. That’s, indeed, one of the happiest moments in our children’s life. Truly a very special moment. In that precious and irreplaceable moment, what are we as parents if we find ourselves unable to celebrate for our children? What are we as parents if we’re so concerned about placing our parental authority above all else? Did we truly decide to give birth and raise our children for the sake of the children’s happiness? Or, did we do so for the sake of the parents’ happiness, for our grown children to do as we demand, expecting favors from them? If parents are unknowingly conditioned to think that making unreasonable demands or opposing a marriage is an innocent reflection of the Parents’ love for our children. Or an adorable gesture of not wanting to Let go of our baby. Then, parents ought to think again – perhaps deeper than ever before. It’s because what children really want and need is the parents’ deep love for them. Not the cheap display of how others may perceive. Regardless of what may have happened in the past, or what may unfold in the future, in that one and only moment of our children’s life, we hope to be the parents who can truly celebrate from our heart. Read Previous: Opposing a Marriage (1)【Think Again】 Read Theme: Family 【Think Again】
“I love your daughter and asked her to marry me. Today, I’m here to ask for your blessing.” “We’re deeply in love with each other, and we want to spend our life together.” When the grown children are engaged and dutifully visit one another’s parents to ask for their blessing, aren’t most of us unknowingly conditioned to speak these words? And what follows naturally are the unspoken words, “. . . so please give us your permission.” Surely, the grown children know it very well that the right to get married belongs to the marrying couple. Nonetheless, we more often than not tend to seek for that mystical parental approval. Strangely enough, some grown children feel compelled to go so far as to even pledge, “I won’t get married against my parents’ wishes.” As if to see through such innocent minds, quite a few parents make unreasonable demands or even oppose our grown children’s marriage. “Love evaporates in no time, so drop the Have-nots and stick with the Haves.” “Best to marry someone of the same race/nationality to avoid future troubles.” From time to time, we come across parents who oppose not the ones actually getting married, but rather their families. “Marriage is a family affair, so we expect them to feel the same way.” “Our family is far better off than them. That’s a breeding ground for future catastrophes.” What’s more, we even find some parents who mistakenly believe that they can be excused for discriminatory remarks – in the name of Parents love for our children – especially about the prospective bride. “If she has health issues, or can’t have a baby, then I disapprove!” “You’re getting too old to be a bride. Hurry and get married before you’re treated like a leftover.” It's sad to see that so many parents fall apart and become quite unreasonable when it comes to our grown children’s marriage. It’s almost as if we want to prove that, Parents have the right to decide our children’s marriage. In all fairness, a parental misbehavior of this sort can be spotted all over the world in every culture. Yet, it seems to stand out particularly in Asia. Perhaps, it’s rooted all the way back in Confucius, a Chinese philosopher from 2500 years ago. His teachings largely focus on the respect for the parents and elders, which was widely accepted across Asia and still so deeply ingrained in many of its cultures today. Confucianism professes to Live one’s life by following the wise leader, and in many cases, it automatically assumes the parents to be such wise leader. Consequently, following the guidance of the parents is construed a virtue in many Asian cultures. To be sure, marriage is an important decision and critical crossroads of life. When we face that fact in all seriousness, we’re strongly influenced – especially in Asia – to follow the guidance of our seemingly wise and experienced parents rather than to make the unseasoned and inexperienced decision on our own. That is, to almost blindly obey the parents instead of following our own heart, love, and care for each other. In fact, as bizarre as it may sound today, until 1947 under the old civil law in Japan, a legal consent by the head of the household was required for any family member to make their own important life decisions, like whom to marry or where to live. Back then, the head of the household for almost all families was the eldest male, usually either the father or the eldest son who succeeded him. This meant that not only the grown children, but also the adult siblings were deprived of the right to their own free choice. The fact that such an intrusive law was the official law of the land until post-World War II reveals how deeply the belief that Parents have the right to decide our children’s marriage is rooted in the Japanese culture. But truth be told, everyone has the right to decide whom to marry. It’s an undeniable human right. As a matter of fact, the United Nations has adopted it as such in 1948, as per the Universal Declaration of Human Rights. And we all know very well that human rights are the basic rights that all people are born with. Therefore, it’s evident that parents have no right to decide our children’s marriage. The terrible truth is that too many parents breach and encroach on our grown children’s rights. Read Next: Opposing a Marriage (2)【What are we as Parents?】 Read Theme: Family When we spot the fluffy kittens and playful puppies through the glass windows of a pet retailer, it’s awfully hard not to stop and smile for a moment. On a whim, we sometimes get the urge to just take them all home.
But, hold on. Even when they grow bigger, or, perhaps, old and frail in the years seemingly so far out to even imagine, can we care for them with all our love? “For sure! By all means! Will look after for life!!” If so, then why wait? Let’s rush out the door, though not to a pet retailer. Instead, to an animal shelter like the humane society. And why not adopt the adorable cats and dogs who’re kept there, waiting to be taken home by a loving family? Let’s welcome the sheltered cats and dogs into our family as one of our own. Approximately 6.5 million cats and dogs enter animal shelters in the US, annually. Reasons vary, including stray, lost, abandoned or surrendered, among others. And each year, approximately 1.53 million are euthanized in the US. Euthanizing in this case means to take away the innocent lives of healthy cats and dogs – who are adoptable into a family – simply due to the overcrowding of the shelters. Why is it so important that we don’t buy pets from the retailers and breeders? It’s because there are already so many companion animals living at the shelters, waiting to be adopted by a loving family. So many precious lives already exist today, that there’s no need to “manufacture” more life as Goods for sale and profit. Moreover, any business involved in merchandise sales is bound to have some portion of their inventory “defective” or “leftover.” A pet sales business is no exception. No matter how beautiful these cats and dogs may be, some will be stigmatized as such at the discretion of sellers and buyers who seem more interested in the certain breed or color or “the look” rather than the equal dearness of each of their life. The terrible truth is that, eventually, these unfairly stigmatized cats and dogs will be shipped away to the shelters. And if they don’t meet a loving family who’ll welcome them home, then in the near future, they'll be put to death. In Germany, known to be one of the pet-friendliest countries in the world, it’s a common understanding that pets are to be cared for life. Even when cats and dogs enter the animal shelters, more than 90% are adopted into a new family. What’s more, euthanizing healthy companion animals is prohibited by the German law, and pet sales are extremely rare due to the strict licensing/permitting system. “But rather than the mixed-breeds at the shelters, I want the purebreds – like Labradors and Scottish Folds – from the breeders.” When we hold in our arms the adorable purebreds at a pet retailer, we just want to take them all home without thinking. But, hold on right there, and let’s think for a moment. To be sure, humans can’t be bought or sold. That’s the lesson we’ve learned from the dark days of slavery. We’ve learned that Life isn’t for sale. If so, then it should hold true for our pets who are also dear members of our family. Read Theme: Family In every sense of the word, a parent-child relationship is special. It truly holds a unique place in our heart, both for a parent as well as for a child. And when we stretch our imagination a bit, it’s no surprise that this relationship is often likened to that of a mentor and apprentice.
A mentor-apprentice relationship. It sure sounds outdated and old-school, yet a relationship of this nature can be found plenty even today, aside from that of a parent and child. For example, a teacher and student. Coach and athlete. Even a boss and employee. To be sure, for quite a few of these relationships, we’d hesitate to call it a mentor-apprentice relationship because not everyone in the leadership position deserves the post. Some are just unfit or lack the demeanor to be called a mentor in the truest sense. And by all means, the present-day mentor-apprentice relationship isn’t anything like the absolute and unquestioning obedience it once represented in the olden days. Today, it’s about the mentor passing on certain pieces of wisdom to the apprentice. And in the process, the mentor learns from the apprentice as well. For instance, to the child who punched a friend at school, the parent explains, “You can’t punch people to force their obedience.” The child blurts, “Why not? If I hadn’t punched, then I would’ve gotten punched.” The parent responds, “It’s because when you try to control others through violence, you may temporarily win a short-term victory, but never a permanent solution. And in the end, no one attains happiness like that.” The child furiously fires back, “But for ages, it’s adults who’ve hollered If we don’t attack then we get attacked! And that’s how adults have always rationalized killings in wars, even to this day!” “Indeed, but the fact remains that punches and wars are all an attempt to control others through violence. After we peel away the layers of fear and hate, the truth is revealed at the core – that wars are about killing people. And that, we cannot condone.” As the parent finishes the sentence, s/he learns from the immense weight of his/her own words. To be fair, a conversation of this nature could sometimes take years before it deeply sinks in for the child. Yet, however many years later it may be, when it actually does sink in, the parent once again rediscovers and learns the importance of a heartful patience. As such, both a parent and a child learn a great deal from one another in a parent-child relationship. The same holds true in a mentor-apprentice relationship. And what awaits us beyond such relationship is the eventual surpassing of the mentor by the apprentice. That is, the child surpassing the parent. Just as in a parent-child relationship, in most cases, an apprentice is younger than a mentor. With youthfulness comes a tremendous growth capacity. And the times in which we live today carries the apprentice forward like a tailwind. The accumulated knowledge and wisdom of humanity are much greater now than in the past when the mentor was still sprouting. And the technological advancements have revolutionized their accessibility wider and faster than ever before. To top it all off, our collective morality is at a higher ground compared to the decades and centuries ago. We witness it when more people than ever before resolutely defy the exploitation of hate and fear that undermines equality and basic human rights. That, too, carries the apprentice forward like a tailwind. If the mentor had performed a solid job in passing on wisdom to the apprentice, then it’s only natural to see the day when the apprentice surpasses the mentor. Make no mistake – that day is neither “sad” nor “bitter.” Rather, it’s a day worthy of a celebration, because it means that the fundamental purpose of a mentor-apprentice relationship had materialized. On that very gratifying day, it’d be too unsightly to find the mentor desperately trying to cling on to that relationship, resisting to let go of the apprentice who’s about to open a new chapter in life. If the mentor is eternally the teacher and the apprentice forever the student, then that relationship has surely lost sight of its original purpose. Rather, the mentor must bid farewell with a complete sense of fulfillment. Bid farewell seeing the infinite hope for humanity in the apprentice who’s surpassed the teacher. We must remember that the morality of humanity continues to chart an upward trajectory precisely because the apprentices surpass their mentors. Until today, I’ve taught you the best I know, and you’ve taught me through your growth. I feel that we’ve accomplished everything that we’ve set out for. So, I’m proud to say that we’re no longer a mentor and apprentice. Going forward, I hope we can be friends – as equal partners in making this world a better place for all. Friedrich Nietzsche, a German philosopher from a century ago, is said to have expressed similar thoughts. It’s up to the mentor’s determination to gracefully free the apprentice from a mentor-apprentice relationship. To let the flower blossom into an unprecedented beauty. The same holds true for a parent-child relationship. Read Theme: Family 【Break Away】
“Why is parent’s love so painful? I feel like I’m suffocating, not loved and cared.” When the child feels that way, then it’s no longer Parent’s love, but instead Parent’s control. And this suggests to us that Of course, all parents love their child is not quite true after all. What could be more painful for a child? What could be more hurtful as a parent? To spare everyone such sorrow, there are three thoughts worth remembering for all parents and would-be parents. First, let us be happy with our own life. Obviously, this isn’t to advocate for us to party on while ditching our parental responsibilities. In fact, quite the opposite. Let's face our child straight on, and share the highs and lows of life together. Let's see our child as s/he is, carefully deliberate how to engage with honesty and sincerity, and shower him/her with a wealth of love and time spent together. Love and accept. Let's live a full life of our own while fulfilling the responsibilities as a parent. When we do that, we won’t have to live out our own dreams by taking over our child’s life. Let the child be the protagonist in his/her own life. It’s absolutely essential for the child’s happiness. Second, let us be happy in our own marriage. Marriage is a partnership for life, hopefully nestled together until our time here is up. The road of life continues for us even after our child moves out of the nest. Travelling on that long and winding road without a partner whom we can count on, we may find ourselves desperately looking to our child to fill that void. Initially, the child may not feel so bad about the nomination to such a grand role. In fact, s/he may even feel “recognized and honored” to play such an indispensable role for us. Nevertheless, our child will hopefully and eventually meet his/her own partner for life – which realistically means s/he can’t continue in that indispensable role forever. In our marriage, let's think for each other and care for one another. Talk over the issues, respect each other, and overcome the hurdles. Accept and give. Don’t let the moments of disagreement and uphill challenges pass by, as they will someday snowball into too deep a rift in our dearest relationship. When we think and care for one another, we won’t have to obsessively cling on to our child’s life. In case our marriage has become just a happy facade with a hollow inside, or we’re seriously considering a divorce, we must not quickly find relief in our child’s “understanding and support.” A child has a natural tendency to meet the parents’ expectations. We must not take advantage of such sweetness rooted in human nature, and end up clinging on to our child’s life. Instead, we must swear to ourselves that I’ll never do that even when I grow frail and old. Third, let us make absolutely clear to ourselves and to our child that we're different individuals living through the changing times. Whether in academics, athletics, work or marriage, it’s about your life, so ultimately you’re the one to make your own decisions. From my experience, I can advise you that a certain path will most likely lead to a certain end. When you hear me out, understand the possibilities, and have the resolve to accept the responsibilities and consequences of your decision, it’s absolutely fine for you to take your own path. However, if you don’t, then necessary adjustments must be made so you do. You and I have similarities, perhaps quite a few of them. Yet, we’re naturally different individuals possessing unique qualities and preferences. And the times that you’ll live are undoubtedly different from the times that I’ve lived. World is constantly changing, so rather than my thoughts, your passion will likely take you to happier places. That’s why you should do what you believe in, even when it counters my advice. As you are a growing child, I’ll tell you my stories based on my experiences. But mistake no mistake, they’re my stories and experiences, not yours. And always remember that ultimately, it’s about your life, so you make the call. In this constantly changing world, the likelihood of a child's outcome diverging from the parents’ expectations is strong. And the parents must be absolutely ready to accept that reality. Rather than Of course, all parents love their child, the truth can be found much closer to Of course, all children love their parents. A child’s love for the parents is, perhaps, deeply rooted in human nature. Especially for infants through grade-school age children, it’s almost as if they’re naturally aware that their own survival rests in the parents’ hands. We must protect such defenseless love, and reciprocate with unwavering love and care. Adult children – who grew up in the shadows of the abusive parents – tend to show signs of getting trapped. Many studies have found that as they become a parent themselves, they somehow unknowingly repeat the cruel patterns of their own manipulative parents. To avoid such toxic behavior, adult children must possess a strong will to consciously break away from the negative pattern of abuse. That’s why we must be absolutely ready to identify the crossroads of Love and Control. Read Previous: Control in the Name of Love (1)【Manipulate with Guilt】 Read Theme: Family 【Manipulate with Guilt】
“Of course, all parents love their child. That’s why the child must do as they say.” Indeed, such is the mantra that so many of us grew up with. Yet, childhood abuse by a parent has been around across time, everywhere. Child abuse can be defined as a physical, sexual, or psychological maltreatment or neglect of a child, especially by a parent. World Health Organization (WHO) estimates that a quarter of all adults experience physical abuse as children, and that 1 in 5 women and 1 in 13 men experience childhood sexual abuse. Furthermore, American Psychological Association (APA) – the leading scientific and professional organization representing psychology in the US – reports that childhood psychological abuse and neglect are the most prevalent forms of child abuse. One of the most devastating consequences of a childhood abuse is the violation of a child’s human dignity, triggering a myriad of emotional and developmental distress that stands in the way of the child to live a fulfilling life. In many cases, these challenges further endanger the child to become a perpetrator or a victim of violent acts, repeatedly engage in self-destructive behaviors, fall victim to a major depressive disorder, or abuse substances including alcohol. Abuse by a parent within our own home - a place meant to be a private sanctuary of calm and comfort, with love and care. However, when the abuse occurs behind the closed doors of a home, that privacy makes it troublingly opaque from the outside. It further limits our ability to gather information, hindering the progress to bring this issue out into the open. Nonetheless, uncovering the abuse is advancing, thanks to the rising social awareness condemning this cruelty. Visibility is on the rise, even those that used to go unnoticed, and those actions by parents that used to be considered as widely “acceptable.” When the bruises, burns and wounds of a physical abuse are visible, this cruelty is far more evident from the outside. On the contrary, psychological abuse leaves all the wounds on the inside, often going unnoticed or completely dismissed. For instance, manipulating a child with an intolerable guilt unless the child does as a parent demands. Or, carrying out the same without uttering a single word – through torturous silent pressure, gesture and facial expression. Or, neatly wrapping it in a horrific phrase like I’m only doing this for your own good. APA reports that childhood psychological abuse is as harmful as sexual or physical abuse. On top of that, what delivers the final blow of psychological confusion to the child – the final nail in the coffin – is that these physical and verbal cruelties are rationalized and explained as Parent’s love. Initially, the child accepts that “explanation.” Or, to be more precise, the child perhaps yearns that “explanation” is true, and convinces him/herself that, My parents love me. Yet, as the cruel words and actions are repeated over and over, the child begins to doubt. “Why is parent’s love so painful? I feel like I’m suffocating, not loved and cared.” A parent’s obsessive involvement in child’s schooling and studies. A parent’s incessant intervention to a grown child’s independent life. A parent’s unabating demand of a grown child’s vacation time to be spent with them. When the child feels that way, then it’s no longer Parent’s love, but instead Parent’s control. A parent’s demand is so obsessively forced upon the child. So incessant and unabating that if the child balks, then the child will drown in guilt. And only to avoid such unbearable guilt, the child desperately endures parent’s obsessive control and continues to swallow all feelings and emotions. Even then, we see no end to the number of manipulative parents who forcibly insist that their behavior is truly For your own good. Control in the name of Love. And this suggests to us that Of course, all parents love their child is not quite true after all. Read Next: Control in the Name of Love (2)【Break Away】 Read Theme: Family Dutiful children – a good son and a good daughter.
When you hear this phrase, what comes to your mind? From a perspective of adult sons and daughters, perhaps Haven’t been or Should do more but too busy. Or perhaps, Doing the best I can given my circumstances or I take care of them so I’m doing more than my fair share may summarize. From a perspective of the parents, perhaps Very limited compared to what I went through for my parents or I’m satisfied and that’s the way it should be given how much I did for them ever since they were little babies - plus they’ll inherit most of my wealth. Or perhaps, They should do more - I’m not that happy may be some of the raw feelings. It’s somewhat of a curious mechanism that this notion of Dutiful children seems to corner the sons/daughters into uneasiness while inviting the inner egos to creep out of the parents. Why is that? Perhaps, it’s because many of us have been taught - from who knows when - that Dutiful children cater to our parents’ needs for the sake of parents’ happiness. At a very young age, from the parents themselves, from the uncles and aunties, from the school teachers, and from TV shows and movies. We’re repeatedly demanded to be a Good son/daughter. We’re praised a Good son/daughter when taking care of the parents or doing favors for them. Successful sons/daughters are celebrated like golden trophies, as if the bragging rights scored for the parents instantly win us the Good son/daughter status. On the contrary, we fear to be labeled a Bad son/daughter when we skip our visit to the parents for Thanksgiving and Christmas – regardless of the circumstances we’re in or how little vacation times we get. Nevertheless, this brings us to wonder: Isn’t a Good son/daughter really about a child growing up with a solid character, becoming a responsible member of the society, and enjoying a fulfilling life as a happy adult? Happiness is defined based on our own standard, felt through our own heart. As such, a son’s/daughter’s happiness is felt through his/her own heart, not based on the parents’ standard. Equally, a parent’s happiness is also felt through his/her own heart, and not based on anyone else’s standard. To be sure, a responsibility of unwavering love and care for our child is bestowed upon the parents when we opt to become a mother and a father. It’s beyond doubt that such is a responsibility of the parents, and it must be taken earnestly. It’s not a favor that the parents do as a quid pro quo for getting cared by our grown child. And it’s quite natural for the grown children to choose to become mothers and fathers themselves as they reach a happy adulthood. In that case, too, a responsibility of unwavering love and care is bestowed upon them. And for their child, too, a Good son/daughter is about him/her growing up with a solid character, becoming a responsible member of the society, and enjoying a fulfilling life as a happy adult. A Good son/daughter means for the child to stand on one’s own will, to live with self-control guided by self-discipline, and to reach a fulfilling happy adulthood. That is, fundamentally and quite precisely, the fulfillment of the parents’ goal in raising a child - hence, a Good son/daughter. If the parents deem that Catering to the parents’ need is what makes a Good son/daughter, then that’s, in effect, equivalent to saying that the parents’ goal in raising a child is to get favors from our grown child for the sake of the parents’ happiness. “But where’s the reward for all the hard work and sacrifice for raising a child?” a parent may ask. Nonetheless, that question, in and of itself, sounds like asking for a quid pro quo - demanding a favor in return for raising a child. Let's suppose that there is such a thing as a return for raising a child. If so, then the only possible place where such a thing may exist would be along the journey of a child’s growth. From babies to young kids, then on to adolescence to adulthood. Throughout, the child offers ample heart-fulfilling moments to the parents. Those moments are the preciousness and adorability, the sweetness and laughter, at times the tension, on occasion the worry, and the abundance of learning. Indeed, children return all they will ever owe to the parents in the course of their birth to adulthood. There’s even an old saying that Children return all they will ever owe to the parents by age 3. When we acknowledge as such, it’s precisely up to the parents to take notice and enjoy so much that our children offer to us. Unfortunately in every culture, too many parents see our grown children off without truly appreciating what they had been offering to us all along. For the sake of a child’s happiness, the parents decide to give birth and raise our child. It’s not for the sake of the parents’ happiness. If it were for the parents, then that would be exactly the opposite of how it should be. And that kind of an opposite may very well lead to a hurtful pattern of obsessive control and abuse by the parents, which has an appallingly high tendency to persist for generations - like a Toxic family tree - until deliberately resisted and ended. Our happiness, upon reaching adulthood, ultimately is our own responsibility to realize. For a child to attain his/her own happiness, the parents assist in the name of Child rearing. The parents must earnestly fulfill this responsibility until the child reaches adulthood. And, after that, it’s up to each parent and the grown child to decide what kind of a relationship we wish to maintain with one another. Each of us can choose as individuals and as adults, freely and true to ourselves. Read Theme: Family |
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