#15: Control in the Name of Love (PART 1)

【Manipulate with Guilt】
“Of course, all parents love their child. That’s why the child must do as they say.”
 
Indeed, such is the mantra that so many of us grew up with.  
 
Yet, childhood abuse by a parent has been around across time, everywhere.

Child abuse can be defined as a physical, sexual, or psychological maltreatment or neglect of a child, especially by a parent. World Health Organization (WHO) estimates that a quarter of all adults experience physical abuse as children, and that 1 in 5 women and 1 in 13 men experience childhood sexual abuse. Furthermore, American Psychological Association (APA) – the leading scientific and professional organization representing psychology in the US – reports that childhood psychological abuse and neglect are the most prevalent forms of child abuse.
 
One of the most devastating consequences of a childhood abuse is the violation of a child’s human dignity, triggering a myriad of emotional and developmental distress that stands in the way of the child to live a fulfilling life. In many cases, these challenges further endanger the child to become a perpetrator or a victim of violent acts, repeatedly engage in self-destructive behaviors, fall victim to a major depressive disorder, or abuse substances including alcohol.
 
Abuse by a parent within our own home - a place meant to be a private sanctuary of calm and comfort, with love and care. However, when the abuse occurs behind the closed doors of a home, that privacy makes it troublingly opaque from the outside. It further limits our ability to gather information, hindering the progress to bring this issue out into the open.

Nonetheless, uncovering the abuse is advancing, thanks to the rising social awareness condemning this cruelty. Visibility is on the rise, even those that used to go unnoticed, and those actions by parents that used to be considered as widely “acceptable.”
 
When the bruises, burns and wounds of a physical abuse are visible, this cruelty is far more evident from the outside. On the contrary, psychological abuse leaves all the wounds on the inside, often going unnoticed or completely dismissed.
 
For instance, manipulating a child with an intolerable guilt unless the child does as a parent demands. Or, carrying out the same without uttering a single word – through torturous silent pressure, gesture and facial expression. Or, neatly wrapping it in a horrific phrase like I’m only doing this for your own good. APA reports that childhood psychological abuse is as harmful as sexual or physical abuse.
 
On top of that, what delivers the final blow of psychological confusion to the child – the final nail in the coffin – is that these physical and verbal cruelties are rationalized and explained as Parent’s love. Initially, the child accepts that “explanation.” Or, to be more precise, the child perhaps yearns that “explanation” is true, and convinces him/herself that, My parents love me.

Yet, as the cruel words and actions are repeated over and over, the child begins to doubt. “Why is parent’s love so painful? I feel like I’m suffocating, not loved and cared.”  
 
A parent’s obsessive involvement in child’s schooling and studies. A parent’s incessant intervention to a grown child’s independent life. A parent’s unabating demand of a grown child’s vacation time to be spent with them.
 
When the child feels that way, then it’s no longer Parent’s love, but instead Parent’s control. A parent’s demand is so obsessively forced upon the child. So incessant and unabating that if the child balks, then the child will drown in guilt. And only to avoid such unbearable guilt, the child desperately endures parent’s obsessive control and continues to swallow all feelings and emotions. Even then, we see no end to the number of manipulative parents who forcibly insist that their behavior is truly For your own good.
 
Control in the name of Love. And this suggests to us that Of course, all parents love their child is not quite true after all.

Read Next: Control in the Name of Love (2)【Break Away】

Read Theme: Family