#16: Control in the Name of Love (PART 2)

【Break Away】
“Why is parent’s love so painful? I feel like I’m suffocating, not loved and cared.” 
 
When the child feels that way, then it’s no longer Parent’s love, but instead Parent’s control. And this suggests to us that Of course, all parents love their child is not quite true after all.
 
What could be more painful for a child? What could be more hurtful as a parent?
 
To spare everyone such sorrow, there are three thoughts worth remembering for all parents and would-be parents.
 
First, let us be happy with our own life. Obviously, this isn’t to advocate for us to party on while ditching our parental responsibilities. In fact, quite the opposite. Let's face our child straight on, and share the highs and lows of life together. Let's see our child as s/he is, carefully deliberate how to engage with honesty and sincerity, and shower him/her with a wealth of love and time spent together. Love and accept.
 
Let's live a full life of our own while fulfilling the responsibilities as a parent. When we do that, we won’t have to live out our own dreams by taking over our child’s life. Let the child be the protagonist in his/her own life. It’s absolutely essential for the child’s happiness.
 
Second, let us be happy in our own marriage. Marriage is a partnership for life, hopefully nestled together until our time here is up. The road of life continues for us even after our child moves out of the nest. Travelling on that long and winding road without a partner whom we can count on, we may find ourselves desperately looking to our child to fill that void.
 
Initially, the child may not feel so bad about the nomination to such a grand role. In fact, s/he may even feel “recognized and honored” to play such an indispensable role for us. Nevertheless, our child will hopefully and eventually meet his/her own partner for life – which realistically means s/he can’t continue in that indispensable role forever.
 
In our marriage, let's think for each other and care for one another. Talk over the issues, respect each other, and overcome the hurdles. Accept and give. Don’t let the moments of disagreement and uphill challenges pass by, as they will someday snowball into too deep a rift in our dearest relationship. When we think and care for one another, we won’t have to obsessively cling on to our child’s life.

In case our marriage has become just a happy facade with a hollow inside, or we’re seriously considering a divorce, we must not quickly find relief in our child’s “understanding and support.” A child has a natural tendency to meet the parents’ expectations. We must not take advantage of such sweetness rooted in human nature, and end up clinging on to our child’s life. Instead, we must swear to ourselves that I’ll never do that even when I grow frail and old. 
 
Third, let us make absolutely clear to ourselves and to our child that we're different individuals living through the changing times.
 
Whether in academics, athletics, work or marriage, it’s about your life, so ultimately you’re the one to make your own decisions. From my experience, I can advise you that a certain path will most likely lead to a certain end. When you hear me out, understand the possibilities, and have the resolve to accept the responsibilities and consequences of your decision, it’s absolutely fine for you to take your own path.  However, if you don’t, then necessary adjustments must be made so you do. You and I have similarities, perhaps quite a few of them. Yet, we’re naturally different individuals possessing unique qualities and preferences. And the times that you’ll live are undoubtedly different from the times that I’ve lived. World is constantly changing, so rather than my thoughts, your passion will likely take you to happier places. That’s why you should do what you believe in, even when it counters my advice. As you are a growing child, I’ll tell you my stories based on my experiences. But mistake no mistake, they’re my stories and experiences, not yours. And always remember that ultimately, it’s about your life, so you make the call.
 
In this constantly changing world, the likelihood of a child's outcome diverging from the parents’ expectations is strong. And the parents must be absolutely ready to accept that reality.
 
Rather than Of course, all parents love their child, the truth can be found much closer to Of course, all children love their parents. A child’s love for the parents is, perhaps, deeply rooted in human nature. Especially for infants through grade-school age children, it’s almost as if they’re naturally aware that their own survival rests in the parents’ hands. We must protect such defenseless love, and reciprocate with unwavering love and care.
 
Adult children – who grew up in the shadows of the abusive parents – tend to show signs of getting trapped. Many studies have found that as they become a parent themselves, they somehow unknowingly repeat the cruel patterns of their own manipulative parents. To avoid such toxic behavior, adult children must possess a strong will to consciously break away from the negative pattern of abuse.
 
That’s why we must be absolutely ready to identify the crossroads of Love and Control.

Read Previous: Control in the Name of Love (1)【Manipulate with Guilt】

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