#8: Dutiful Children - A Good Son and Good Daughter

Dutiful children – a good son and a good daughter.
 
When you hear this phrase, what comes to your mind?
 
From a perspective of adult sons and daughters, perhaps Haven’t been or Should do more but too busy. Or perhaps, Doing the best I can given my circumstances or I take care of them so I’m doing more than my fair share may summarize.
 
From a perspective of the parents, perhaps Very limited compared to what I went through for my parents or I’m satisfied and that’s the way it should be given how much I did for them ever since they were little babies - plus they’ll inherit most of my wealth. Or perhaps, They should do more - I’m not that happy may be some of the raw feelings.
 
It’s somewhat of a curious mechanism that this notion of Dutiful children seems to corner the sons/daughters into uneasiness while inviting the inner egos to creep out of the parents.
 
Why is that?
 
Perhaps, it’s because many of us have been taught - from who knows when - that Dutiful children cater to our parents’ needs for the sake of parents’ happiness. 
 
At a very young age, from the parents themselves, from the uncles and aunties, from the school teachers, and from TV shows and movies. We’re repeatedly demanded to be a Good son/daughter.

We’re praised a Good son/daughter when taking care of the parents or doing favors for them. Successful sons/daughters are celebrated like golden trophies, as if the bragging rights scored for the parents instantly win us the Good son/daughter status. On the contrary, we fear to be labeled a Bad son/daughter when we skip our visit to the parents for Thanksgiving and Christmas – regardless of the circumstances we’re in or how little vacation times we get.
 
Nevertheless, this brings us to wonder: Isn’t a Good son/daughter really about a child growing up with a solid character, becoming a responsible member of the society, and enjoying a fulfilling life as a happy adult?
 
Happiness is defined based on our own standard, felt through our own heart.  As such, a son’s/daughter’s happiness is felt through his/her own heart, not based on the parents’ standard. Equally, a parent’s happiness is also felt through his/her own heart, and not based on anyone else’s standard.
 
To be sure, a responsibility of unwavering love and care for our child is bestowed upon the parents when we opt to become a mother and a father. It’s beyond doubt that such is a responsibility of the parents, and it must be taken earnestly. It’s not a favor that the parents do as a quid pro quo for getting cared by our grown child.
 
And it’s quite natural for the grown children to choose to become mothers and fathers themselves as they reach a happy adulthood. In that case, too, a responsibility of unwavering love and care is bestowed upon them. And for their child, too, a Good son/daughter is about him/her growing up with a solid character, becoming a responsible member of the society, and enjoying a fulfilling life as a happy adult.
 
A Good son/daughter means for the child to stand on one’s own will, to live with self-control guided by self-discipline, and to reach a fulfilling happy adulthood. That is, fundamentally and quite precisely, the fulfillment of the parents’ goal in raising a child - hence, a Good son/daughter.
 
If the parents deem that Catering to the parents’ need is what makes a Good son/daughter, then that’s, in effect, equivalent to saying that the parents’ goal in raising a child is to get favors from our grown child for the sake of the parents’ happiness.
 
“But where’s the reward for all the hard work and sacrifice for raising a child?” a parent may ask.
 
Nonetheless, that question, in and of itself, sounds like asking for a quid pro quo - demanding a favor in return for raising a child.
 
Let's suppose that there is such a thing as a return for raising a child. If so, then the only possible place where such a thing may exist would be along the journey of a child’s growth. From babies to young kids, then on to adolescence to adulthood. Throughout, the child offers ample heart-fulfilling moments to the parents. Those moments are the preciousness and adorability, the sweetness and laughter, at times the tension, on occasion the worry, and the abundance of learning.
 
Indeed, children return all they will ever owe to the parents in the course of their birth to adulthood. There’s even an old saying that Children return all they will ever owe to the parents by age 3. When we acknowledge as such, it’s precisely up to the parents to take notice and enjoy so much that our children offer to us. Unfortunately in every culture, too many parents see our grown children off without truly appreciating what they had been offering to us all along.
 
For the sake of a child’s happiness, the parents decide to give birth and raise our child.
 
It’s not for the sake of the parents’ happiness. If it were for the parents, then that would be exactly the opposite of how it should be. And that kind of an opposite may very well lead to a hurtful pattern of obsessive control and abuse by the parents, which has an appallingly high tendency to persist for generations - like a Toxic family tree - until deliberately resisted and ended.
 
Our happiness, upon reaching adulthood, ultimately is our own responsibility to realize. For a child to attain his/her own happiness, the parents assist in the name of Child rearing. The parents must earnestly fulfill this responsibility until the child reaches adulthood.
 
And, after that, it’s up to each parent and the grown child to decide what kind of a relationship we wish to maintain with one another. Each of us can choose as individuals and as adults, freely and true to ourselves.

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