108: A Mature Identity

“I’m special.”
 
It’s very important for young children be able to feel this way, not only to form a healthy attachment with parents, but also to develop emotional stability.
 
From the moment we’re born, parents/relatives often teach us that we’re special. This reassurance helps us feel loved and protected. Along the way, we find a special sense of belonging/identity in our country, race, ethnicity, culture, and religion. These identities often become the foundation of our self-esteem.
 
This sense of “I’m special” is particularly important in early childhood. Without it, children tend to struggle in forging a healthy emotional bond with parents, which can disrupt the development of a stable sense of self.
 
However, a troubling truth emerges when this mindset carries unexamined well into adulthood. What once nurtured us can begin to cause immense harm.
 
As adults, holding tightly onto "I'm special" often turns into “If I’m special, then others aren’t--at least not as special as me.”
 
This way of thinking fuels “as long as it’s fine for us” behavior, which lies at the root of many forms of discrimination/conflict/war that persist across the world.

This mindset also shows up in more subtle ways, without direct attack/violence. A classic example is inheritance, where most people almost thoughtlessly keep wealth within the family. [See #34] 
 
We call it “thoughtless” because the true victims of this “as long as it’s fine for us” thinking are people who simply happen to born into hardship through no fault of their own. 
 
Some simply happen to born as minorities and face unreasonable exclusion/rejection. Others simply happen to born in conflict/war zones and unreasonably face life or death situations every day.
 
Still others simply happen to born into an economically strained family, where they scramble for basic necessities like food/clothes/shelter, endure unrelenting humiliation, and lack fair access to education--let alone assets to inherit.
 
Meanwhile, those who simply happen to born into the majority, in safe places, or into economically sufficient families, may unknowingly sustain systems that make it nearly insurmountable for others to overcome the inborn disparities. “As long as it’s fine for us,” we continue on because life works for us.
 
Yet the truth is simple: our inborn traits are just that--traits we simply happened to be born into. They have nothing to do with how hard we work or how much we strive. To put it another way, it’s pure luck; nothing more and nothing less. For this reason, it’s unreasonable to be given a preferential treatment on the one hand, while excluded/rejected on the other, for something we’re born into.
 
As we grow up and mature into responsible adults, we must grow beyond our narrow sense of belonging/identity that perpetuates such injustice across generations. To resist being swept up by “as long as it’s fine for us” thinking, we must outgrow the childhood sense of “I’m special” that once served us well, but no longer does.
 
That means outgrowing our national, racial, ethnic, cultural, religious, or even family identities we’ve held close to our hearts for so long.
 
To be clear, this does not mean denying or ignoring these identities, nor pretending as if they don’t exist. That’s not at all what we mean.
 
Rather, it means expanding the boundaries of our own identity; freeing ourselves from the stubborn “as long as it’s fine for us” thinking so that we don’t exclude/reject others who live outside of our familiar circles.
 
In other words, it means maturing into an “identity of humanity” or even more broadly, an “identity as a living being.”
 
Because if I’m special, then others are just as special. While this may not be enough in our early childhood, once we reach adulthood, we must mature into an identity that’s broad and inclusive.

We must grow beyond our original identity, not deeper entrenchment in it. Our original identity is a starting point, not the destination.
 
To make this world a better place for everyone, it’s essential that we as adults continue to grow our minds broadly and inclusively--by expanding our sense of who belongs.

Read Theme: Inclusive Diversity