108: A Mature Identity

By Joe Kim

​“I’m special.”
 
Feeling "I'm special" is essential during early childhood. It plays a vital role not only in forming healthy attachments with parents, but also in developing emotional stability.
 
From the moment we’re born, parents/families often teach us that we’re special. This reassurance helps us feel loved and protected. As we grow, we find a special sense of belonging/identity in our country, race, ethnicity, culture, and religion. These identities often become the foundation of our self-esteem.
 
This feeling of “I’m special” is particularly important in early childhood. Without it, children tend to struggle in forging healthy emotional bonds with parents, making it more difficult to develop a stable sense of self.
 
However, a troubling reality emerges when this mindset continues unexamined into adulthood. What once nurtured us can eventually become a source of immense harm.
 
As adults, clinging tightly onto "I'm special" can easily turn into “If I’m special, then others aren’t--at least not as special as me.”
 
This way of thinking gives rise to the mindset of “as long as we're fine,” which lies at the root of many forms of discrimination/conflict/war that persist across the world.

This mindset doesn't always appear in the form of direct attack/violence. It often manifests in much subtler ways. A classic example is inheritance, where wealth is routinely passed down within famiies with little thought about the broader consequences. [See #34] 
 
We call this “thoughtless” because the true victims of this “as long as we're fine" mindset are people who simply happen to born into hardships through no fault of their own. 
 
Some simply happen to born into the minority and face unreasonable exclusion/rejection. Others simply happen to born in conflict/war zones and unreasonably face life or death situations every day.
 
Still others simply happen to born into an economically strained family, where they scramble for basic necessities like food/clothes/shelter. They may endure unrelenting humiliation, lack fair access to education, and have little or no wealth to inherit.
 
Meanwhile, those who simply happen to born into the majority, in safe places, or into financially sufficient families may unknowingly help sustain systems that make it nearly insurmountable for others to overcome the inborn disparities. “As long as we're fine,” we continue on because life works well for us.
 
Yet the truth is simple: our inborn traits are exactly that--traits we simply happened to be born into. They have nothing to do with how hard we work or how much we strive. To put it another way, it’s pure luck; nothing more and nothing less. For this reason, it’s unreasonable to be given a preferential treatment on the one hand, while excluded/rejected on the other, for something we’re born into.
 
As we mature into responsible adults, we must outgrow our narrow sense of belonging/identity that perpetuates these injustices across generations. To resist the pull of “as long as we're fine” mindset, we must move beyond the childhood feeling of “I’m special” that once served us well, but no longer does.
 
This means growing beyond our national, racial, ethnic, cultural, religious, or even family identities we’ve held close to our hearts for so long.
 
To be clear, this does not mean denying these identities or pretending as if they don’t exist. That’s not at all what we mean.
 
Rather, it means expanding the boundaries of our own identity; freeing ourselves from the stubborn mindset of “as long as we're fine,” so that we don’t exclude/reject others who live outside of our familiar circles.
 
In other words, it means maturing into an “identity of humanity” or even more broadly, an “identity as a living being.”
 
Because if I’m special, then others are just as special.

While this may not be enough in our early childhood, adulthood calls us to embrace a broader and more inclusive sense of identity.

We must grow beyond our original identity, not deeper entrenchment in it. Our original identity is a starting point, not the destination.
 
To make this world a better place for everyone, it’s essential that we as adults continue to grow our minds broadly and inclusively--by expanding our sense of who belongs.

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