#52: Beyond the Parent-Child Relationship

In every sense of the word, a parent-child relationship is special. It truly holds a unique place in our heart, both for a parent as well as for a child. And when we stretch our imagination a bit, it’s no surprise that this relationship is often likened to that of a mentor and apprentice.
 
A mentor-apprentice relationship. It sure sounds outdated and old-school, yet a relationship of this nature can be found plenty even today, aside from that of a parent and child. For example, a teacher and student. Coach and athlete. Even a boss and employee.
 
To be sure, for quite a few of these relationships, we’d hesitate to call it a mentor-apprentice relationship because not everyone in the leadership position deserves the post. Some are just unfit or lack the demeanor to be called a mentor in the truest sense.
 
And by all means, the present-day mentor-apprentice relationship isn’t anything like the absolute and unquestioning obedience it once represented in the olden days. Today, it’s about the mentor passing on certain pieces of wisdom to the apprentice. And in the process, the mentor learns from the apprentice as well.
 
For instance, to the child who punched a friend at school, the parent explains, “You can’t punch people to force their obedience.”
 
The child blurts, “Why not? If I hadn’t punched, then I would’ve gotten punched.”
 
The parent responds, “It’s because when you try to control others through violence, you may temporarily win a short-term victory, but never a permanent solution. And in the end, no one attains happiness like that.”
 
The child furiously fires back, “But for ages, it’s adults who’ve hollered If we don’t attack then we get attacked! And that’s how adults have always rationalized killings in wars, even to this day!”
 
“Indeed, but the fact remains that punches and wars are all an attempt to control others through violence. After we peel away the layers of fear and hate, the truth is revealed at the core – that wars are about killing people. And that, we cannot condone.” As the parent finishes the sentence, s/he learns from the immense weight of his/her own words.
 
To be fair, a conversation of this nature could sometimes take years before it deeply sinks in for the child. Yet, however many years later it may be, when it actually does sink in, the parent once again rediscovers and learns the importance of a heartful patience.
 
As such, both a parent and a child learn a great deal from one another in a parent-child relationship. The same holds true in a mentor-apprentice relationship.
 
And what awaits us beyond such relationship is the eventual surpassing of the mentor by the apprentice. That is, the child surpassing the parent.
 
Just as in a parent-child relationship, in most cases, an apprentice is younger than a mentor. With youthfulness comes a tremendous growth capacity. And the times in which we live today carries the apprentice forward like a tailwind. The accumulated knowledge and wisdom of humanity are much greater now than in the past when the mentor was still sprouting. And the technological advancements have revolutionized their accessibility wider and faster than ever before.
 
To top it all off, our collective morality is at a higher ground compared to the decades and centuries ago. We witness it when more people than ever before resolutely defy the exploitation of hate and fear that undermines equality and basic human rights. That, too, carries the apprentice forward like a tailwind.
 
If the mentor had performed a solid job in passing on wisdom to the apprentice, then it’s only natural to see the day when the apprentice surpasses the mentor. Make no mistake – that day is neither “sad” nor “bitter.” Rather, it’s a day worthy of a celebration, because it means that the fundamental purpose of a mentor-apprentice relationship had materialized.
 
On that very gratifying day, it’d be too unsightly to find the mentor desperately trying to cling on to that relationship, resisting to let go of the apprentice who’s about to open a new chapter in life. If the mentor is eternally the teacher and the apprentice forever the student, then that relationship has surely lost sight of its original purpose.
 
Rather, the mentor must bid farewell with a complete sense of fulfillment. Bid farewell seeing the infinite hope for humanity in the apprentice who’s surpassed the teacher. We must remember that the morality of humanity continues to chart an upward trajectory precisely because the apprentices surpass their mentors.
 
Until today, I’ve taught you the best I know, and you’ve taught me through your growth. I feel that we’ve accomplished everything that we’ve set out for. So, I’m proud to say that we’re no longer a mentor and apprentice. Going forward, I hope we can be friends – as equal partners in making this world a better place for all.
 
Friedrich Nietzsche, a German philosopher from a century ago, is said to have expressed similar thoughts.
 
It’s up to the mentor’s determination to gracefully free the apprentice from a mentor-apprentice relationship. To let the flower blossom into an unprecedented beauty. The same holds true for a parent-child relationship.

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